Odd tale of an NRI and his dogs on Indian trek: Part one

This post is not meant to offense anyone specially NRIs and it does not apply to anyone in particular. If you find any relevancy then you would enjoy reading this post and if you are finding it offensive, please stop reading then and there, this might hurt you more and I can’t help.

A US returned NRI:

Would be dressed funky and kewwwl (read it ‘cool’. Please don’t mind just giving a try at non-Indian English accent). High collar polo T-shirt with blue denims or cargo pants; North-face or different tough brand big backpack strapped tight over soldiers (I don’t wanna mention fat guys, how they look when bag is strapped tight to their chest); heavy leather or sporty shoes; goggles, i-phone typically define them (Don’t forget the bald head and big bear belly of corporate people and some more features too which won’t be appropriate for the public forum).

An America returned NRI:

Reminds me of a person from 1970s to 80s dressed in full sleeves plain shirt (Devanand/Dilip Kumar), Chest hair popping out of shirt’s top button like a bunch of black baboons (Anil Kapoor), ears covered with thick hair (Amitabh Bachchan), bell-button pant (Prem Chopra), eyes hidden behind big black glasses with a cigar and suitcase in his hand  (Imagination is left to you). They will be known mostly for their higher studies/business back in America those days. But for what study? I still don’t have clue and business often would relate to smuggling, cash and an Indian girl dressed up as foreigner always roaming beside the villain. The most epic thing was every hero would always return to India from Vilayat irrespective of what university or county they went to study for.

Prem chopraClassy Prem Chopra resembling America-returned NRI

There are a few peculiar symptoms which can bring you closer to a conclusion whether a person is an NRI or not. I have collected these valuable symptoms from different sources like internet, from my job life and words of mouth. (To be read aloud in case you wanna remember them).

  • They are very much peculiar about pollution but some of them would love to smoke in public.
  • They can not survive without mineral water.
  • For any incident, they will narrate a story of “what once happened in US…..” and then you should understand it implicitly that the great time has come when mr.NRI is going to compare India with US.
  • Larger the bag they carry, more is the number of cheap US products inside it. out of which most of them would turn out to be useless in India.
    • Example of useless products:
    • Electric shaver for gaon wale chacha ji ( remote uncle from village), irony is that there is no light in that village.
    • Delicate Apple’s i-phone for cousin who has got field-work to do. By field work, I mean, he does farming in fields. No relevancy of i-phone at Indian paddy fields at all.
    • A Northface bag for cousin sister and she will possibly be confused for one whole week with technicalities of soldier strap, heap straps, chest straps, front-load, back-load. She never strapped anything in life other than braid of her friends and mother.
  • They have solution to every Indian problem (Don’t you think they should be working for advisory committee of India)
  • They will behave as tourist in their own hometown with a camera hanging always in front of their belly.
  • They expect the Indian government to work like US government (asking for too much. Come on, we are the largest democratic country. It’s not so easy dude. We are handling largest population pressure per square feet)
  • Sometimes, their level of comparison is too weird. They will compare irrelevant stuff with great enthusiasm.
  • They complain about weather, humidity and an app over i-phone adds nightmare to their complaints.
  • They complain about pricing of almost everything (From condom packs to Nokia’s Patli pin wala charger) and finally they would love to buy cheap products (they inhabited it from US)
  • Last but not the least, their accent is hellishly weird

So, now I consider myself lucky after meeting an US-returned NRI guy on a trek to Rangaswamy Betta and one new interesting chapter got added to my life.

Disclaimer: The writer is not responsible for cool and funky American words that would be frequently found below

Introduction:

Mr. NRI: He has recently returned from US and finds fault in almost everything in India.

Ms. Doggie:  A female dog, adopted by Mr. NRI a week ago from streets. She is tall and strong.

Mr. small dog: A foreign breed short dog (leg-length not more than half a foot), delicate.

Funny Dog Cartoon77.jpgmr. dog and ms. doggie

Anyway, sitting with his dog companions, that gentleman occupied the back seat. (Like a boss)

“Hey honey”, “Ummmm”, “no,no, no”, “come on in here”.

Don’t get it wrong. This is how American must be calling out their cute doggies as called mr. NRI too.
Dude! why are you calling out your sweet doggie as the sweetest blonde of Brooklyn? We know you love them too but public affection in India is not regarded well. (If they were not dogs, I had thought of something else hearing these words).

I think, No one loved his dog more than he did. A person talking with dogs in American accent was the epic surprise of my life. (I hope that Indian street doggie understood American dialect). Think of the comfort level of poor doggie from pure Desi Indian street with American accent.

No one among us wanted to waste their that beautiful morning playing with doggies and inquiring more about US. In Chennai and Bangalore, there are NRIs at every nook and corner. And trust me, they are not the same. Kudos to them who are not flying over cloud 9 and are an integral part of changing face of India. So, within no time everyone was hard asleep including mr. NRI too.

Suddenly I realized my trousers being pulled.

column_15-funny-dog-memeOh it was she! ms. doggie. Taking away my sleep. Mr. kewwwl had opened his eyes and I had to put a fake smile at my sleepy face like putting on lipstick on sleeping panda and ask him to take his super girl away. Those super awoke creatures almost could not let anyone sleep in peace except Mr.kewwwl. Thank god! they never took a poop or piss in bus or mr. kewwl had to take out some dollars notes to clean that away.

So, we reached our trekking destination around 9-10 in the morning. After having a good sleep, everyone was enthusiastic and spirited for the trek. I briefed the group about the trek and we moved on.

Idiot testI felt like taking a paid idiot test

So here now, Mr. kewwwl finds the first scar in the sun.

“Well, is it gonna be sort of hiking stuff, I guess”- asked he. (And, what the hell do you think what we are going to do?).

“Yeah! we are going for hike only”- I replied.

“Actually, I am surprised to see no sign boards, trails to the top at all. I mean, this is how you guys go for a trek.” (Read it, you guys should protest against the govt., file a petition, do march, ask for sign boards. For whom? Mr. kewwwl (Cool))

We were equally surprised at his surprise of not finding trails or guide maps. Though, we send a preparatory mail to everyone regarding the trek and things available on the way. I hoped he had read that. The way he expressed his surprise, sounded as if he had been cheated.

I looked at my German friends, in anticipation that they might stand for me but they stared at me with a what defaq face.

With little group introduction, we packed our stuff and moved on. And guess who gave the longest introduction. Can you guess why? OK. I give you a clue. the introduction began with “when i was in US…..and Bulls**t…..holys**t…blah blah blah”.
Refer the meme below to see my reaction then.

blah-blah-blah-blah

If you remember the typical features of an NRI to be marked from top paragraph of this story then refer to third feature (For any incident, they will narrate a story of what one happened in the US and then they will compare India and the US) and a series of stories began.

“You see! Once I went for a hike in Alabama (Did you say Alabama? Forrest Gump was once in Alabama too. You must be a pretty long runner then) and I was surprised to see a lot of cool stuff over there (What was he exactly referring to by cool stuffs, if you what I mean)”.

Whoa! hold on for a sec. If you were surprised to see their advanced hiking system then you must have carried an image of Indian hiking system as well. A contrast of the two systems must have led you to the surprises and shocks.
So, now why the hell! you are now acting as if you are totally not aware of the Indian trekking system.

“You know what! they put up boards, signs, guide-marks all along the trail to guide you throughout the hike and people come along with their family and pets and they party, have fun.”

Someone please enlighten him  with differences between trekking, hiking and going out with pets and family for stroll in city park?

pizza-spencersThank god, he did not say that in US, they deliver pizza on time while you are on Hike and have chopper service for everyone.

With increase in trek gradient, that little dog was finding it very hard to jump over rocks constantly. He was facing the most difficult days of his life, Guerrilla-army training.  Oh little poor dog!

And, we took a first break of the day.

The dog was almost closer to eternity. Rolled out eyes, sweating like hell from his tongue. We had to prolong our break looking at condition of that non-Indian dog. While on other hand, doggie was tall and she was always well ahead of us. Desi.

Bored of his stories now, I decided to keep on moving ahead. Salute to one of my German friends, he kept on listening to him all the time. Anyway, Europeans are always a great listener.

When we lost the track of path for sometime?

It was monsoon and we got little deviated from our path. Now instead of cooperating with us. he began shouting at us as if he was the US president.

Anyway, with in 10-15 minutes, proper way was found and we were at the top.

Now why:

NRIs behave this way?

Why they find fault in India at almost every nook and corner (I am sure not all NRIs live a luxurious life in the US, their first motive is always to save money, then why they behave such in India)

They are well aware of governing system of Indian government then why this kolaveri di?

Another shotHigh time for another shot

I am gonna take another shot at different story over another encounter with an NRI but, different one.

“Please comment any kind of your experiences with an NRI.” Loads of experiences certainly make a nice reading 🙂

Also Read:  25 Adventures to Experience in India

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About trekkerp

Author of The Girl from the Woods and a Travel writer from India looking forward to collect quirky tales from around the world

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